


Hold Me

by angelsfalling16



Category: Carry On Series - Rainbow Rowell
Genre: Fluff, M/M, SnowBaz, a little bit angsty, because Simon is depressed, but it's just a soft moment between them
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-04
Updated: 2019-10-04
Packaged: 2020-11-23 04:28:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 995
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20886119
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/angelsfalling16/pseuds/angelsfalling16
Summary: Simon simply wants Baz to hold him, just for a little while.





	Hold Me

**Author's Note:**

> Wayward Son inspired. (You could say it's pre-Wayward Son, but I don't think that it really matters). It's isn't exactly spoilery, but it is an expansion of how Simon is thinking/feeling in the book, so maybe it is? I'm not sure, so proceed with caution. I probably shouldn't even post this, but I needed to find a way to work through some of the things that I'm feeling, and this sort of helped.

**Simon**

Baz and I are lying on my bed, and this is usually the point when I would ask him to leave, but tonight is different. It’s not necessarily a bad different, but I wouldn’t say it was a good one either.

I’m feeling off tonight. (But really, I feel off every night.)

I want Baz to pull me close to him and just hold me while I squeeze my eyes shut against the pain and darkness in the world. But he won’t. Not unless I say that it’s okay for him to. He’s careful about touching me. Because I’ve pulled away from him so many times. I feel bad about that, but for some reason, when ever he reaches out to comfort me, I tense up.

I need him now, though, so I say, very quietly, “Hold me.” I’m pretty sure that if he didn’t have vampire hearing, he wouldn’t have heard me at all.

He looks over at me, surprised. He looks like he’s about to question it, but I’m hoping he won’t. I don’t want to talk about what I’m feeling or about my sudden need to be held. All I want is to lie in his arms and allow myself to believe that this is enough. That I’m not tearing us apart.

He hesitates for a moment longer before holding his arms for me to move into, giving me the chance to back out if I want to. (I don’t want to.)

I offer him the tiniest of smile - it’s really just a quirk of the lips - then I scoot over until I’m pressed up against his side, my head resting on his shoulder.

His arms wrap around me loosely, and I want to tell him to hold me tighter but don’t know how. We lie like that in silence for a while, and I wish that I could just fall asleep. But I find it hard to sleep most nights.

I keep reliving that night. Ebb dying. The Mage killing her. The Mage dying. Me killing him.

I didn’t mean for him to die, and people keep saying that it’s not my fault, but it’s hard to believe them. It was my words that caused it, right?

I squeeze my eyes shut, hoping to clear those thoughts away. I just want to be here in this moment. I want to feel safe in Baz’s arms as his thumb draws circles on my side.

“Simon,” he says softly, but I shake my head. I don’t want to talk right now. I can’t. It’s too much, and I don’t know how to put any of it into words. I just want to be held.

I shift in his arms, and he freezes, like he’s worried that I’m going to pull away. But I simply move until my face is buried in his neck, breathing in his scent. When his arms settle back around me, his grip is tighter, and I breathe a sigh.

This is nice. This moment feels good, and I wish it could last.

After a while of just lying here, I decide that I want more than this. I press a kiss experimentally against the side of his neck and wait for his reaction. It’s barely noticeable, but he tilts his head and leans into me.

Encouraged by this, I start to place a trail of kisses up the side of his neck and along his jaw. I stop just before I reach his lips, hovering over him.

He’s been making these little breathy sounds, probably trying to hold himself back from pushing me further than I want to go, and I appreciate that.

I meet his eyes, and they’re so full of love that it hurts. It’s a deep dull ache in my chest, making it difficult to breathe.

I wish he didn’t love me so mcuh. It would make breaking up with him easier. And I wish I loved him enough to let him go already, but I can’t. I want him here with me, and I want to work through these things that I’m feeling so that I can really be with him, happy and in love.

I clear those thoughts away again - I don’t want to think right now - and I kiss him.

He returns the kiss softly at first, sweetly. But then I press into him more, and he kisses me more fiercly.

I let him take the lead, happy for a moment to just be kissed by him, to get lost in him. He rolls us so that we’re both lying on our sides now, but he keeps his arms wrapped firmly around me - he’s still holding me like I asked him to.

I reach up with one hand to comb it through his hair, letting the soft strands slip through my fingers. Over and over again, I move my fingers through his hair, calmed by it.

We kiss for a long time, only coming up for air. It’s not rushed or frantic. It’s just the two of us fitting together, tasting each other, and feeling content to be in each other’s arms.

When it gets late, we stop and settle back against the pillows, still holding onto each other, and I don’t want to leave this spot.

“Do you want me to go?” Baz asks after a while.

I know that it probably hurts him to ask me this, but he wants to do what I want, make sure I’m comfortable. It’s one of the many reasons that I love him. He’s so caring.

“Stay,” I tell him, but it’s more of a question. “Just hold me, please.”

“Okay, Simon.”

I fall asleep with my head pressed to his chest, listening for his heartbeat, and for now everything feels alright. But I know that one day soon I’ll have to break him up. I’ll have to let him go so that he can be happy and not be dragged down by me.


End file.
